Hello once again to the Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special Photobook! I have a special gift for all of you at home--and no, it's not a fruitcake. It's something twice as special: the original guide draft. It contains the prose story from which the shooting script came as well as the behind-the-scenes notes. A LOT of the wordy dialogue had to get cut to fit the word balloons. Also, I notice a full year on that my staging was initially much more baroque than what the final cut shows. The "You want an extra wish?!" moment was still in there, and I changed it just because it went on for too many panels.
PEE-WEE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
CASTING, BESIDES MAIN CAST
--WWE Easter bunny
--Godzilla head
--Guinan and Uhura (representing Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah Winfrey)
--Osaka from "Azumanga Daioh" (replacing Dinah Shore)
--Max Headroom (replacing Joan Rivers)
-------MAX HEADROOM CUT, REPLACED WITH COUNT FLOYD
--Mom's old nativity set for the Magic Screen "true meaning of Christmas"
--Santa
--He-Man and She-Ra (Frankie and Annette)
--ALF
--ET
--Super Mario Bros.
CUTS:
Most of the musical numbers
Exterior scenes
Replace "New wing to the playhouse" with "Taking the playhouse off the grid"--use them as a new power source with a machine made from various Lego gears, a miniature toaster oven, and other bits and pieces
MINI-MOVIE INTRO:
--We trek along a path through a wintry forest. A large billboard indicates we are pointed in the right direction. Its surface is all black except for the white silhouette of the open Playhouse door with light streaming from it. A tiny stick silhouette is seen walking out the door. We see the slogan: "FOR PAUL--WE'LL MISS YA, PAL."
And then we come across it: PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE, its exterior resplendent yet overcluttered with outdoor decorations. KEEP A VERY TIGHT ANGLE--THE SIGN MUST BE OUT OF FRAME!
Three enormous presents sit at the base of the house, near the flowers. The tags read: "ORIGINAL TELEPLAY BY PAUL REUBENS, JOHN PARAGON, and GEORGE MCGRATH."
A plastic Santa and reindeer fly on the roof, with a banner trailing behind that reads "ADAPTED BY NICK TOSONI."
Suddenly, the playhouse WHIPS AROUND on a turntable, as if the camera has made a 180 turnaround. The sign on top is revealed, and Christmas lights appear around it. We pull back for a moment, and the large case OPENS UP to reveal the interior, like a Disney storybook.
DAY 1: Pee-Wee/Conky--Christmas list
DAY 2: Yo-yo
DAY 3: Miss Yvonne, fruitcake (Use a Barbie brush as the gift, as "Eau de Pee-Wee" will be impossible to communicate
DAY 4: Forgot to decorate
DAY 5: Jambi; yuletide cross-fade
DAY 6: Reba, fruitcake, (Ninja Turtles)
DAY 7: King of Cartoons, Max Headroom on TV
DAY 8: Godzilla
DAY 9: Ricardo, pinata
DAY 10: Dinah Shore (if I can build that effing picturephone)
DAY 11: Stockings
DAY 12: Randy knocks over tree
DAY 13: Nativity, with Playmobil creche (Magic Screen)
DAY 14: Billy Baloney and hot choc
DAY 15: Stockings
DAY 16: New wing to the playhouse?
DAY 17: Carols
DAY 18: Santa
SUGGEST COMIC BOOK PANELS!
1:
Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the playhouse, not a creature was stirring...except for a boy named Pee-Wee Herman and his robot friend Conky. He paced around the front room, dictating his ever-growing Christmas list while the hapless robot printed out a list that already stretched twenty feet.
"...And I want a woodburning kit--make that a deluxe woodburning kit...new pup-tent, walkie-talkies...ooh! A new yo-yo!"
2:
Pee-Wee's first guest for the Christmas party arrived! It was Miss Yvonne, the most beautiful woman in Puppetland. "Merry Christmas, Pee-Wee!" she cried out. "Hi, Miss Yvonne! Hey, what happened to that festive Christmas dress you were telling me about on the Picturephone?" "Oh, it's still not ready," she sighed. "Mr. Mackie had one or two other ideas for it."
"I have a special present for you!" Pee-Wee reached behind the TV and pulled out..."A new hairbrush for your lovely hair!" Miss Yvonne looked at the oversized accessory and graciously accepted it, chuckling inwardly at Pee-Wee's sense of humor. "And I have one for you, Pee-Wee!" She gave him the gift bag, which contained...a fruitcake. "Oh. Uh, thank you." He gamefully tried to hide his disdain at the dense pastry.
"Hey! Wanna play in the Magic Screen?" Anything to change the subject.
3:
ALT.
"Hey, Pee-Wee! Do the two of you want to play with me?"
"Okay, Magic Screen! Here we come!"
Pee-Wee and Miss Yvonne jumped into the magic screen.
They stood against a wintry scene. The swarm of flying dots assembled themselves into differently-sized circles, one of which was wearing an old top hat.
"So what do we do with this?" Pee-Wee wondered.
"It looks like we need to build a snowman!" Miss Yvonne suggested. Pee-Wee rolled the largest circle toward the middle of the foreground, while Miss Yvonne put the other two circles on top. Immediately it filled in, as if being painted by an unseen hand.
"Now, don't you need to give him a face?" she continued. He threw the dots from his hands onto the sculpture, which formed into eyes, a nose, a mouth, and buttons.
PW: "Hey! I heard that if you stare at a snowman long enough, it'll come to life! Wanna try?"
They stared at the snowman for a few seconds. Suddenly, his mouth moved, and he spoke with an irritated voice. "WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A PICTURE? IT'LL LAST LONGER!"
They jumped out of the Magic Screen.
"Gotcha!"
"Oh, Chairry," Pee-Wee laughed, "Where would I be without you?"
"On the floor!"
Miss Yvonne realized something. The Playhouse had no decorations. "Weren't you going to decorate the Playhouse for Christmas?"
4:
He bolted upright. "Decorate? Oh, no! I completely forgot. Now we don't have time to decorate, or any decorations, because I was only thinking of myself. Christmas is the time when we should be thinking about what we can do for others! I wish I hadn't been so...selfish!"
A melodic gong sounded from out of nowhere, and a voice asked, "Wish? Did someone say wish?"
"Jambi! I wish the Playhouse were decorated for Christmas!"
"Is that all?"
"Well, not really. I was kinda hoping for a second wish after that, so I could wish for something really special."
Jambi's eyes darkened. "A second wish? You want a second wish? What do you think this is, Christmas?"
"Yes!" Pee-Wee bluntly declared.
The genie thought it over. "Ah! I see! Then repeat after me, in Jambese." He closed his eyes and entered the trance which would allow him to grant the wish.
"MEKA-LEKA-HI-MEKA-HINY-HO!"
"Meka-leka-hi-meka-hiny-ho!"
"MEKA-LEKA-HI-MEKA-HO-HO-HO!"
"Meka-leka-hi-meka-ho-ho-ho!"
Waves of Jambese magic coursed through the playhouse, leaving in their wake streamers of tinsel garland, green wreaths, oversized ornaments, bright bows, candy-canes, and snowflakes, a gingerbread house, a mountain of decorative presents, and two Christmas trees. One was a gorgeous electric blue, festooned with multicolored ornaments, and the other was an unusual tree with crystals instead of pine needles. Chairry received two decorative covers on her arms. Conky got a wreath over his record player and a crown of garland atop his head.
"It's beautiful! Jambi, you outdid yourself!" He was close to tears at how well-done this was.
"Season's greetings," Jambi said with a wink.
The doorbell rang.
Pee-Wee opened the door to find the Easter Bunny standing there.
"I'M GOING DOOR TO DOOR TO MAKE YOU THIS INCREDIBLE OFFER!"
"GRRAAAAAAH! SALES--wait, the Easter Bunny? I'm awfully sorry--Easter's not here yet! Try again next year!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"WELL, HERE'S AN INCREDIBLE OFFER ANYWAY!" He gave Pee-Wee an enormous golden egg.
"BYE-BYE!" He hopped off.
Pee-Wee cracked the egg open. Inside..."FRUITCAKE!!"
Suddenly the Picturephone's klaxon started blaring. Pee-Wee dropped what he was doing and trotted toward it, bellowing "I'll get it! I'll get it!" all the way.
He leapt in through the double-doors, threw the curtain shut, pulled down a backdrop showing the inside of Santa's workshop, and grabbed the tin can from the hook.
"Pee-Wee's Playhouse, Pee-Wee speaking!"
A cute but slightly dimwitted-looking Japanese girl flickered onto the screen. Behind her was a cafe-window fully decked out with Christmas decorations.
"Merry Christmas, Pee-Wee!"
"Hi, Osaka! And Merry Christmas to you too!"
"Well, I tried to call you yesterday, but my Picturephone started going 'bleeeeeeee-blip-blip-blip-blip! So I'm using the one at school. Here, I have a little song for you!" A bouncy piano tune crackled on the speakers.
"On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: A partridge in a pear tree! On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Two turtle-doves and a partridge in a pear tree..."
A light flashed to indicate that another call was coming in. He pressed a button, and two women appeared.
"It's Whoopi Goldberg! Is that 'The Color Purple'?"
"Why yes, it is, Pee-Wee! And I have a friend along to say hi too!" At her side was Oprah Winfrey, dressed as Uhura from Star Trek.
"And Oprah Winfrey!"
"We're on our way to a Christmas party, but we were wondering if we could come over!"
"I'm awfully sorry, Oprah--this Christmas special is overstuffed as it is. I might be able to squeeze the two of you in for the next one!"
"That's a shame, Pee-Wee," Whoopi sighed. "Oh--here comes the car! Merry Christmas and a happy new year!" Everyone screamed for the secret word.
He switched back over, and Osaka was obliviously going on and on.
"Four calling birds
Three French hens
Two turtle doves..."
Another call came in.
"Pee-Wee's Playhouse, Pee-Wee speaking!"
"Hey, Paisano! Buon Natale, huh?"
"Oh, wow! It's the Super Mario Brothers!"
Realizing that she wasn't going to stop anytime soon, Pee-Wee ducked under the seat and produced a mannequin wearing an unconvincing costume and mask in his image. He wondered to himself how long it would be before the girl caught on.
5:
"Hey, Pee-Wee! Here comes Reba the Mail Lady!"
"Oh, boy! Yippee!" He got the door for her as she entered the playhouse.
"Merry Christmas, Pee-Wee!"
"Merry Christmas, Reba! But aren't you cold dressed like that?"
"I'm plastic, Pee-Wee, and so are you. I can't feel anything."
"Oh, here! I got you something!" He gave her a large envelope. "Press-on nails!"
She looked at him, utterly perplexed. "They're so wide?"
It became clear that he hadn't looked at it before he gave it to her. "Looks like they're press-on...toenails?" he sheepishly said. "There must have been a mixup."
"Don't worry; it's the thought that counts. Something's coming for you right now!."
Through the back? He looked at her, very worried. "It's not a fruitcake, is it?"
"Better."
She hauled a wide, flat crate with the words "THE WHITE HOUSE--WASHINGTON, DC" stenciled on.
"Hold on--this is for the White House, not the playhouse. But since we're already here...wanna peek inside? I'll put everything back."
Inside the crate was a wide disc and a manual with the words "MATTER TRANSMITTER--MADE ON MELMAC."
Cowboy Curtis, wondering what the fuss was about, came over to peek. "What in tarnation's that thing?" he asked.
"Some kind of transporter," Reba said. "Okay, Pee-Wee, it's out. Let's switch it on and see what happens."
The lights flickered and darkened. The platform started to glow and flash with a tunnel that seemed to stretch for miles and miles even though it was perfectly flat. A column of light shot up from it...and a diminutive brown creature stood on it.
"Uh...Hey, where am I?" it asked in a Brooklyn-inflected voice. "Boy, the Oval Office is kinda angular! And it looks like a day-care designer threw up in it!"
"This isn't the White House, it's Pee-Wee's Playhouse! I'm Pee-Wee Herman, this is Reba the Mail Lady, that's Miss Yvonne--the most beautiful woman in Puppetland--and that's Cowboy Curtis, the fastest rope in Puppetland."
"Pleased ta meet'cha, everybody! Teleportation takes a lot outta ya. Got anything to eat?"
"Can I get you some fruitcake?" Pee-Wee offered.
"Fruitcake? Yuk!" His eyes wandered over to the Puppet Band. "I'm in the mood for...that cat over there!"
As he lumbered toward Cool Cat, with eyes glazed over from hunger, Cowboy Curtis roped him with his magic lasso.
"Now just a minute, you little varmint! There's no eating of cats here! Why don't you go take a gander over yonder refridge?"
Alf lumbered over to the fridge in the kitchen area, rummaged around, and pulled out a single large mushroom with a red cap and white spots.
A few seconds after eating it, he suddenly grew three times larger! Just then, the Playhouse door burst open, and the Scooby-Doo gang ran in.
"Okay, fellas," Fred declared, "We'll hide in this abandoned cabin and set a trap for the monster." Pee-Wee tapped him on the shoulder. "Uh, this isn't an abandoned cabin, this is my playhouse. I'm Pee-Wee Herman, and what's all this about a monster? Are you looking for him?" He pointed at Alf. Realizing the jig was up, Alf ran back to the transporter. "Adios, amigos!"
"No, not that one," Daphne said. "This one's some kind of dinosaur."
"A dinosaur?" an incredulous Reba demanded. "Maybe you can describe it."
"Well, like, it looks like...ZOINKS! Like THAT!"
Outside of Mr. Window, an enormous reptilian eye looked into the playhouse. "Oh, come on, all of you! We've had monsters before!" he sighed, and then opened the door. "Hi, Godzilla! Merry Christmas!" There was Godzilla, incongruously wearing a red scarf and Santa hat.
Godzilla's snout poked through the open door. Steam gushed from his nostrils. He opened his mouth...and revealed a package, small for him but enormous for Pee-Wee and his pals. "Okay! I need one group to play tug of war and another group to get the Milk-Bone out of the fridge!"
Reba, Daphne, Shaggy, and Velma went for the Milk-Bone. Curtis roped the package with the Magic Lasso, and he and Freddy pulled it out as the others got the enormous treat ready.
"Okay, Godzilla! Sit and open wide!" Amazingly, the giant lizard sat, just like a puppy. "Okay! Push that thing out the door real fast!" Godzilla graciously accepted the treat. He looked like he was smiling.
"Merry Christmas, Godzilla! See you next year!" The beast gave his trademark roar at the mention of the secret word.
"What'dja get, Pee-Wee?" a curious cowboy wondered. "Hmm, I really should wait to open my presents...oh well! I can't help it!" He dug in, only to find...
"A GIANT FRUITCAKE!"
6:
The flowers turned to look outside. "Presenting...his royal majesty...the King of Cartoons!"
"HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!" he boomed. "Now, Pee-Wee, have you been a good boy this year? Because I have a very special gift for you!"
"Oh boy! Wait--it's not a fruitcake, is it?"
"No!" He did an exaggerated sigh of relief at the King's reassurance.
"It's TWO fruitcakes!"
This was going to be a long Christmas.
"But now, I have an extra-special cartoon for you! Let the cartoon begin!"
He pressed the button on his remote. Everyone turned to the TV as the cartoon started, but instead of a cartoon, the screen settled on Count Dracula's gloomy boudoir, with a cheap-looking upright coffin in one corner. The lid opened to reveal a gaudy travesty of Dracula in a polyester tuxedo.
"Velcome to Count-a Floyd-a's Tomb of Terror! AWOOOO!" he cackled in an overdone Bela Lugosi impression.
"Oh boy! It's Count Floyd! My favorite horror host!"
"Merry Christ-a-mas-a, Pee-Wee! AWOOOOOO!" He opened his cape, and a cheap video effect of a flock of cartoon bats poured out from beneath. They arranged themselves to spell out "HAPPY HOLIDAYS!" over the screen as the TV changed over to "Hardrock, Coco, and Joe."
7:
Outside the playhouse, Pee-Wee and Cowboy Curtis were building a snowman...and Randy was making his own fun inside. He quietly snuck around, plotting the damage he could cause with all of the decorations.
<Heh-heh-heh...If I stick a couple of firecrackers next to these hanging ones, I could send 'em flying! Now lemme see...I got three, so I'll do 10, 20, and 30. Gimme enough time to set up for the tree.> He disappeared for a moment, and returned with a brick and a short, wide plank. This he put under the tree skirt so that no-one would see his see-saw except for a tiny portion, easily hidden by one of the prop presents. Just then, a green pterodactyl landed next to him.
"Rrrrrandyyyy, what are you doiiiiing?"
"Beat it, P'Terri! I'm havin' fun!"
"Oh, I love having fun!"
Randy produced a smallish chromed flying disc and looked at it. He got an idea.
"Sure! Let's have some fun! Why don't we play a nice game of fetch?" Randy sent his disc flying across the playhouse, just low enough not to land on anything. Together, they played fetch for a while, long enough to condition Pterri.
"Okay, P'Terri! We can have more fun later tonight. Just be ready to go after the frisbee when you see it!"
"That lame excuse for a dinosaur!" he chuckled as Pterri flew off. "What a sap!"
"Hello, boys and girls!" A small hand puppet looked around and addressed no-one in particular. "Pee-Wee's not here right now, so it's time for 'The Billy Baloney Christmas Special!' I'd like to start with a little song. Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiii!"
"And that's all the time we have for 'The Billy Baloney Christmas Special!'"
"No! Go 'way! I wanna sing!"
"Sorry, Billy. Maybe next...year!"
"Welcome back, boys and girls! From all the way in Eternia, I have He-Man and She-Ra! They're showing us how to make Christmas cards! She-Ra?"
"Well, I have some green paint, a toothbrush, and a piece of screen with the outline of a tree. I lay the screen onto the card, and brush the green paint onto it. And...a christmas tree!"
"I hope you don't brush your teeth with that when you're done!" She-Ra flashed a smile. Her teeth were, indeed, green.
"How about you, He-Man?"
"Well, I borrowed one of your potatoes from the kitchen, and I cut a pattern into half of it. When I dip it into this red paint...a candy cane! And I brought for you an Eternian delicacy from our annual feast--fruitcake!"
Pee-Wee's eye twitched. That did it. "Okay! I get it! Everyone thinks I like fruitcake! But what I REALLY want is 500 of these before midnight!" He ran off, cackling madly.
"Was it something I said?" He-Man wondered aloud.
The last guest to arrive was Ricardo!
"Feliz Navidad, Pee-Wee!"
"Feliz Na-be-blah to you too!"
"No, it's 'Feliz Navidad!' That's how we say 'Merry Christmas' in Mexico!"
"That's over here, Pee-Wee!" Globey indicated on his head.
"Feliz Na-be-blah!" Pee-Wee snickered.
"Feliz--ah, never mind. Hey, I want to teach you about one of our traditions: the pinata." From out of nowhere, a large pinata descended from the ceiling. "You put a blindfold on, and swing this long stick around. It's full of sweets and toys, and you have to break it open to get at them." He took a seat at the couch and took a guitar from the other side of it. "Here, have a song while you try!" He sang "Feliz Navidad" while Pee-Wee flailed blindly with the stick. When the song ended, he finally made the necessary hit to bust the decoration open. The entire contents gushed forth onto the playhouse floor.
"We have another custom in Mexico. It's a special treat called 'pastel de fruta.'"
"What does that mean?"
"Fruitcake!!" Ricardo foisted yet another fruitcake upon him.
Meanwhile, on the Picturephone...
"Nineteen Famicoms
Eighteen takoyaki
Seventeen Voltrons
Sixteen Hello Kitties..."
=========================================================================================================================================
"C'mon, c'mon everybody, time to light the tree!" Pee-Wee screeched. Next to the ornate Christmas tree there was a gift-box with a long lever sticking out of it.
"5...4...3...2...1..." He pulled the lever...........and a shiny disc flew from an unseen corner, landing perfectly between the ornaments. A split second later, a flash of green crashed into the tree, knocking it over completely. Miss Yvonne ran to the stunned Pterri to comfort him. Pee-Wee noticed the silver disc and cried out, "RANDY!"
"Oh, bah humbug!" the delinquent dummy snarled as he descended from the ceiling. "Christmas! What a load of hooey! A day where we all gotta use money we don't have to buy stuff for people we don't like, and then we gotta pretend to like each other, 'cause we all got a bunch'a guilty consciences! And there ain't no Santy Claus!"
Cowboy Curtis moved to take Randy by the ears, but Magic Screen stopped him. "Allow me, Cowboy Curtis!" she cheerily said. Her screen shimmered as images of charity flashed upon it.
"Santa Claus was a real person once. He was known as St. Nicholas, and we give gifts to each other in his honor after he used his family's wealth to save a poor man's daughters from a lifetime of servitude."
The screen shimmered as a Nativity scene appeared.
"We remember St. Nicholas as we remember the birth of Jesus, a philosopher and healer who taught us to look at the world with love and forgiveness. That is the true meaning of Christmas, and we must live by His example, not only at the Yuletide season, and not only with the expectation of receiving in kind, but every day of our lives, because to do so will make everyone's life a little better. Does that make sense to you, Randy?"
"Yeeeeeeeeah...I guess it makes a little sense."
"And you can start by putting the tree back up," Reba demanded. Abashed, Randy complied.
"Have you thought about what you're going to do with all those fruitcakes?" Ricardo wondered. "I already thought of that! I'm going off the grid!" He unveiled a large machine: the Super Volt-O-Matic, a contraption not unlike a woodchipper, which would convert fruitcakes to electricity...somehow. "The one Godzilla gave me should last me until 1995 at least!"
Though no-one could hear it, a voice came from the Picturephone. It was quite clear that Osaka had lost both the plot and the meter. And she still hadn't noticed that Pee-Wee was utterly unmoving.
"Thirty-four Walkmans
Thirty-three waffle irons
Thirty-two rice cookers
Thirty-one stuffed pandas
Thirty CD players..."
"Let's all sing some carols!" Miss Yvonne suggested.
Pee-Wee, of course, stepped up as conductor.
"Ready? Joy to the World!"
"#Joy to the World#"
"Deck the Halls!"
"#Deck the halls with boughs of holly#"
"God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen!"
"#God rest ye, merry gentlemen#"
"Sleigh bells!"
"#Sleigh bells ring#"
"No! Sleigh bells! I hear sleigh bells on the roof! Do you know what that means?"
"It means you've been drinking too much eggnog?" Reba sighed.
"No! It means Santa's here! Get out the milk and cookies quick!"
Just as Pee-Wee got a table with an enormous platter of cookies and a tall tumbler of milk ready, the door opened, and Santa materialized in a flurry of sparkles.
"Merry Christmas, everyone!" Santa cheerfully boomed.
"Merry Christmas, Santa!" Pee-Wee chirped. "I have all these milk and cookies, just the way you like 'em!"
Santa surveyed the display and registered....disapproval.
"Now, Pee-Wee, I see what you're trying to do. You're trying to bribe me into fulfilling that incredibly long list." Pee-Wee tried to object, but Santa stopped him.
"There are two problems with that. First, your list was so long that I wouldn't have enough for the children of the world."
"And I feel terrible about that."
"No, you don't. And second, I've been secretly observing you all day. Putting your guests to work on Christmas cards like a dollar-store Rumpelstiltskin? Giving your mail lady, who delivers your pen-pal letters day in and day out, a gift of press-on toenails? Fooling a caller with a dummy in your image? Not exactly the work of a good boy. In truth, I should just rip your list to pieces and leave you with a sack of coal, but I am giving you a choice. You may either forfeit your list and maintain what little respect your friends and I may have for you, or you can take the presents, but you will play with them completely alone."
Pee-Wee turned for a moment. His words from earlier in the day came back to haunt him.
"I forfeit my list."
"There's one other thing."
"WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT, SANTA?!"
"It's going to be a long night. I'd appreciate your help with delivering all of these gifts!"
His sour mood immediately brightened. "Y...Your...MY help? You mean I get to ride in the sleigh with you on Christmas Eve?"
"That IS the general idea."
"THANK YOU! You're the best, Santa!"
"Well, I know YOU are, but what am I?" Everyone laughed with Santa's use of Pee-Wee's usual insult, now an expression of restored goodwill.
Jambi's box suddenly opened. "Before you go, Pee-Wee, I have that extra wish ready!"
"I wish...for all of you, and everyone in the world...to have a merry Christmas...and a happy...new...YEAR!"
Everyone cheered at the secret word. From the roof of the playhouse, the air rang out with that familiar refrain:
"Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen!
"On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen! Ha-ha!"
"Merry Christmas to all...and to all a good night!"
As the last person left the playhouse, a voice came from the Picturephone.
"...Pee-Wee...?"
COMMENTARY
The impetus for this project is to keep it recognizably Christmas Special, but make it very different to accommodate for the medium of toy photography. A good deal of content from the original had to be dropped--a lot of the outdoor stuff; the stop-motion segments; the musical numbers, since there was no way to translate them to still photography. The first inkling I had that this was going to diverge from the original was including a line about Bob Mackie not having Miss Yvonne's dress ready yet, because I *really* do not feel like creating doll clothes for a 6" scale. The requirements became: bound to one set instead of two, with a budget of about $500-1000, depending on how much the special 3D printed props would be.
Characters reduced, dialogue juggled. Miss Yvonne got a little more to do by jumping into Magic Screen with Pee-Wee. Ricardo got more to do by singing Feliz Navidad instead of Charo.
Since the real, live-action guest stars mostly do not exist in toy form, it became necessary to figure out what their toy equivalents might be. The obvious link was, "What other franchises had Christmas specials?" He-Man and She-Ra I knew about--in fact, theirs was the SECOND Christmas special I had ever seen, thanks to a $5 tape from the old Leewards/Michael's craft store at the Ridgeland Commons. The most obvious place to slot them in was the Frankie and Annette Christmas cards bit, because the idea of reducing this great, musclebound warrior to stamping candy-canes onto cards with a potato struck me as funny.
I was delighted to find out that the Ninja Turtles got a Christmas special; the idea that they were on the "Out of their Shells" tour lent credence to their being delivered by shipping crate a la Grace Jones, so I was able to keep that gag, but with a twist.
The WWE Easter bunny I found at a toy show in a dollar bin. I didn't know at first where to put him, but it occurred to me that using him to revive the Salesman gimmick might work pretty well.
The Count Floyd segment, taking the place of Joan Rivers on Hollywood Squares, was originally the Max Headroom signal hijacker, and the Pappy cartoon became Hardrock, Coco, and Joe to better reflect my Chicago roots. As much as I love the Pappy cartoon, it had to be different here. Max Headroom would have been a little too disturbing for a Christmas special.
Dinah Shore would originally have been replaced by Hello Kitty, who would have been rehearsing 12 Days for the Christmas pageant. She had lines 1-4, so she didn't memorize the whole thing, and would have been stumbling over what came next. My intention was for her to communicate in rebuses--a turtle dove would have been a turtle shell with dove parts sticking out, because she knows a turtle and a dove, but not a turtle dove. It seemed a bit too mean-spirited for Pee-Wee to get bored at what's obviously a little girl having a difficult time, so Kitty--as funny as the idea was--was out, and I hit upon Osaka from "Azumanga Daioh" (more specifically the "AMV Hell" version of her) to keep the overall spirit, but instead of stumbling over the lines, she went off on tangents of her own, seemingly unaware that 12 Days refers to 12 days after Christmas.
I managed to figure out how to keep Oprah and Whoopi. Whoopi was obvious for Guinan from "Star Trek," but Oprah proved a challenge. Aha, thought I, they're on their way to a "Trek" cast party, and Oprah is going as Uhura. Guinan's costume may be anachronistic, but I needed it for the "Is that 'The Color Purple?'" line.
I gave Randy just a little more to do as well. Simply unplugging the tree lights works on television, but not in still photography. On the other hand, Randy is no longer a marionette--he can knock the tree over.
The biggest change was with Santa. I bought a Santa figurine expressly for this special, and he turned out to be black. The solution came to me in a second: "Oh, well, they got James Earl Jones to do a cameo as Santa." That worked out for the best, because it allowed me to rectify the one thing I was never truly comfortable with: Pee-Wee's borderline-offensive gifts, and the way he blithely treated everyone rather badly, with prank gifts and lack of courtesy. (The "500 cards by sundown" remained, but, to soften it somewhat, I made it his rage breaking point after getting one too many fruitcakes.)
As I was writing it, I could practically hear the "disappointed headmaster" voice coming through, indignant at being so obviously bribed.
SCENE BREAKDOWN
1. WIDE SHOT: Pee-wee and Conky, playhouse undecorated
1a. MED. CLOSEUP: Pee-wee and Conky
1b. MED. CLOSEUP: Pee-wee, Conky, and prop envelope
1c. MED. CLOSEUP: Pee-wee behind Chairry with yo-yo
1d. CLOSEUP/EFFECTS SHOT: Yo-yo flies into camera, Pee-wee surveys damage
2. MED. WIDE: Pee-wee and Miss Yvonne
2a. MED. WIDE: Pee-wee behind TV with Barbie brush; Yvonne looks.
3. CLOSEUP, 3/4 ANGLE TOWARD LEFT SIDE: Magic Screen
3a. WIDE EFFECTS SHOT: PW and MY stretch, with RGB video effect, and are pulled into MS.
3b. WIDE EFFECTS SHOT: Connect the dots; sleigh ride
4. PW and MY jump out of sleigh and land on Chairry. MY asks about decorations.
4a. CLOSEUP: "Decorations?"
4b. CLOSEUP, TWO PANELS: Jambi, PW.
4c. MED-CLOSEUP: PW and Jambi together
4d. CLOSEUP: JAMBI--EDITED TO BE ANGRY
4e. BACK TO 4c--"REPEAT AFTER ME..."
5. EFFECTS VIDEO--WIPE FROM NON-DECORATED TO DECORATED.
5a. WIDE--Pee-Wee and Jambi--KEEP JAMBI IN FRAME
